Therapist Spotlight: Navigating Conflict With Compassion
Featuring Susan Griffin, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Conflict is a normal part of close relationships. In fact, disagreement itself is not usually the problem.
According to therapist Susan Griffin, LMFT, many couples struggle not because they disagree, but because difficult conversations quickly become reactive, defensive, or lead one partner to shut down.
One Common Conflict Pattern
One of the most common patterns Susan sees is couples bringing up concerns when they are already upset or overwhelmed.
When emotions are high, partners are more likely to:
become defensive
stop listening
react to assumptions rather than what was actually said
This often causes conversations to escalate before either person feels understood.
Early Warning Signs of Escalation
Susan encourages people to notice the physical cues that signal their nervous system is becoming activated.
These may include:
a racing heart
feeling hot or flushed
muscle tension
difficulty concentrating on the conversation
These responses can indicate that continuing the discussion in that moment may lead to more disconnection rather than resolution.
Slowing the Conversation Down
One way to prevent escalation is to first ask if it is a good time to talk.
If it is not, Susan recommends scheduling a time to revisit the issue. This allows both partners to enter the conversation with more emotional readiness.
During conflict, couples can also take a structured time-out by saying:
“I need a break. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes?”
Taking 20–30 minutes to step away allows both partners time to calm down and reflect before returning to the discussion.
What Repair Actually Looks Like
When returning to the conversation, Susan encourages couples to focus on:
listening for clarification
validating their partner’s experience (even if they disagree)
taking accountability for their own part
Repair is not about avoiding conflict.
It is about returning to the conversation with openness and a willingness to understand one another.
Healthy conflict is not about winning.
It is about staying connected while working toward resolution.
A Resource Susan Often Recommends
Susan often recommends the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. One tool from the book, called the Comfort Circle, helps couples identify emotional needs and respond to one another with greater empathy.
For couples who feel stuck in recurring patterns, seeking support through couples counseling can also provide valuable guidance and structure.