Therapist Insight: Destructive Relationship Patterns with Robyn Spotten, LMFT
Relationships naturally involve conflict. But sometimes, couples or individuals find themselves stuck in patterns that repeat over and over again, leaving both people feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or emotionally drained.
In this interview, Marriage and Family Therapist Robyn Spotten, LMFT shares insight into why destructive relationship cycles form, what keeps people emotionally stuck, and how awareness becomes the first step toward change.
What are signs of destructive relationship patterns?
Robyn explains that conflict itself is not the problem. It’s a normal and expected part of relationships. What matters is how conflict unfolds over time.
Destructive patterns often show up as:
Repeated arguments that never get resolved
Cycles of defensiveness, criticism, or withdrawal
Emotional shutdown or stonewalling
Feeling like you’re “having the same fight” in different forms
These patterns can leave both partners feeling unheard, disconnected, or emotionally unsafe.
Why do people repeat unhealthy relationship cycles?
Even when someone recognizes a pattern is unhealthy, changing it can feel surprisingly difficult.
Robyn points to early life experiences and learned relational expectations. From childhood, people develop internal beliefs about what relationships look like — how conflict is handled, how love is expressed, and what emotional safety feels like.
Because these patterns feel familiar, they can also feel “normal,” even when they are painful.
Changing them requires slowing down automatic responses and practicing new ways of relating - something that takes time and intention.
Emotional dependency vs. healthy attachment:
Robyn describes emotional dependency as relying heavily on a partner’s emotional state to determine your own.
This can look like:
People-pleasing to avoid conflict
Feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions
Difficulty staying grounded when the relationship feels uncertain
Losing your emotional center when your partner is upset
Healthy attachment, on the other hand, allows both individuals to stay connected while still maintaining their own emotional identity.
You can care deeply about someone without losing yourself in the process.
Why it feels so hard to leave unhealthy relationships?
One of the most common questions in relational therapy is: Why is it so hard to leave something that hurts me?
Robyn explains that familiarity often feels safer than uncertainty, even when the familiar experience is painful.
Other factors can include:
Hope for change or who the person “could become”
Emotional attachment to positive moments between conflict
Fear of being alone or starting over
Gradual normalization of unhealthy dynamics
These layers can make leaving or changing the dynamic feel overwhelming.
What helps begin breaking the cycle?
Change doesn’t start with perfection — it starts with awareness.
Robyn encourages small, intentional shifts such as:
Noticing recurring conflict patterns
Pausing before reacting in the middle of escalation
Approaching conversations with more curiosity and less blame
Naming the cycle instead of just the argument
Over time, these small changes can begin to interrupt long-standing relational patterns.
If you’re beginning to notice patterns like this in your own relationships, start with our foundational article:
