When Should You Seek Professional Support for Grief?

Grief doesn't have to disappear for hope to exist.

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist Christi Carrey knows that hope can still exist within grief, even when someone has very little capacity for it.

Sometimes hope can be really small.

It can be hope that will get you through the next moment, if an entire day feels too big. It can be spontaneous laughter sprinkled into a sea of sadness. And it can happen without feeling guilty.

Grief Can Hold More Than One Emotion

When Christi led a Grief and Loss group, psychology students would occasionally observe the group. During every debrief, the students would mention that they did not expect to experience any moments of laughter.

Yet they did.

The group would tell endearing stories about their loved ones and, in between the sniffles, something funny would happen in the story: inedible cooking, home repairs gone wrong, or, like Christi's dad, falling off the Disneyland Tram trying to catch the hat that flew off her head.

He was okay, just walked the rest of the way to the car with a slight limp and a tremendous amount of embarrassment.

Grief and laughter can exist in the same room.

Christi says hope is knowing that grief adapts and changes with every season. She describes her own grief as “there when I need it.” She does not want it to go away. She wants to be able to reach for it when she needs to, and gently set it aside when she does not.

She wants grief to remain something she can choose to enter into, rather than something that dictates when she feels her dad's absence.

Through grief, she can miss him. She can think about him. She can talk about him. She can even talk to him. She can imagine him in Heaven, seated at the feet of Jesus, and hold onto the hope that one day, she will see him again.

For Christi, grief can be an open door to love, to memories, to weeping, and to her dad. And when she needs to, she can close that door for a little while, knowing that everything on the other side is still there.

Faith Can Be Part of the Grieving Process

For Christi, faith is also part of how she understands and moves through grief.

She explains that the Bible does not present grief as something that people who believe in Jesus are supposed to avoid. Psalm 88 is especially meaningful to her because it does not rush toward happiness. It gives language to profound darkness and loneliness.

In the NIV, Psalm 88:18 says, “darkness is my closest friend.”

Christi finds comfort in that honesty. Sometimes we need to know that we are allowed to be in the dark for a while.

Faith does not mean we have to pretend.

Prayer does not have to sound beautiful. Sometimes it is silent, angry, sad, or even a chance to say, “God, why? I do not understand.”

For Christi, faith is a reminder that although we are not immune from grief, we do have constant company from the Lord walking us through it. Our seasons of grief are not the end of the story.

You May Never Be “Over It”

What would Christi say to someone who feels like grief has a time limit and they should be “over it” by now?

“You will never be, ‘over it.’ Grief does not end. Instead, it changes over time.”

The intensity, or what Christi likes to call “the sting,” lessens.

There may be seasons when grief feels like it takes your breath away. Later, it may arrive in a wave that lasts a few minutes. Years later, a song, a smell, a holiday, a photograph, or an ordinary Tuesday may bring the person suddenly to mind.

This does not necessarily mean you are going backwards.

There are seasons when grief feels close and seasons when it feels quieter. There are days when grief and joy live in the same room.

What does Christi do with that?

She notices.

Christi says grief started to change for her when she asked:

“If I feel closer to the people I cry with, how can grief be ALL bad?”

When Counseling Can Help

Counseling cannot take away the loss.

It cannot bring someone back. It cannot make the pain disappear on command.

But counseling can provide a place where you do not have to protect other people from your grief.

A place where you can tell the same story again.

A place where you can say the thing you are afraid to say out loud.

Psychotherapy can also help when grief becomes difficult to navigate alone, particularly when someone feels stuck, overwhelmed, isolated, or unable to function in major areas of life.

And you do not have to wait until your grief becomes unbearable to ask for support.

Asking for help does not mean you are weak.

It means you are human.

Finding Meaning While Carrying Grief

Christi reminds us that our grief may always be part of our story, but it does not have to be the only part.

There can be sadness and laughter.

There can be missing and remembering.

There can be loss and love.

There can be pain and meaning.

And there can be a life that continues, not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned to carry what you cannot change.

Christi shares that one of her first tattoos is a replica of her dad's last heartbeat, along with the words “I Love You” in his own handwriting.

Some people have looked at it and said, “That is so sad.”

Her response is:

“Yes, it is so sad that it physically hurts sometimes. I also feel comforted because at the end of his last heartbeat (which I always point to) was also the moment he received the greatest welcome into Heaven.”

You Don't Have to Carry Grief Alone

Seeking support does not mean you are trying to erase your grief or move on before you're ready.

Sometimes, it simply means having a safe place to bring what you're carrying.

If grief feels overwhelming, difficult to navigate alone, or is making it hard to function in your daily life, counseling can provide space to process your loss, explore what you're experiencing, and find ways to continue moving through life while carrying what matters to you.

You don't have to wait until you are at your breaking point to reach out.