For many people, the holidays can be challenging and feel emotionally heavy. They can serve as a reminder of the things that have changed in our lives and the things we’ve lost.
For many, the holiday season feels contradictory. There is an emphasis on joy and gratitude, but feelings of grief and loss may be just as present. The reality of grief is that it doesn’t follow a set timeline, and it doesn’t end during the holidays.
If you are grieving this holiday season and feeling things that may or may not make sense to you, you’re not alone. How you’re grieving is natural, and there is no “right way” to handle the holidays while navigating feelings of loss.
To help make sense of the questions the holidays often bring up for those experiencing grief, we sat down with Associate Marriage and Family Therapist Christi Carey, AMFT, who specializes in grief, for a little Q&A.
🌿Q&A with Christi Carey, AMFT: The Holidays After Loss
Why are the holidays especially difficult after loss?
Holidays after a loss are a reminder that things have changed. The traditions you once shared now live in memories, and creating new experiences without your loved one can feel confusing or even wrong.
Also, when the world around you expects joy and togetherness, that gap can make grief feel even heavier or bring on guilt for just feeling the way you feel.
What do people commonly struggle with this time of year?
The holidays and grief can be a confusing mix. The world around you feels celebratory while you’re hurting. What once felt familiar may now feel unpredictable, and the pressure to feel happy or grieve the “right” way is so real.
Sadness, loneliness, guilt, and possible changes in the family structure are all incredibly common this time of year.
What do clients commonly experience?
Grief is deeply personal, and no two people move through it in the exact same way. A person might experience sadness, anger, guilt, a deep longing, feelings of dissociation, or numbness. There may be an element of relief if their loved one is free from the pain of sickness.
What many people find is that when they allow themselves to feel what’s there, and when that grief is witnessed by someone without judgment, there can be a real sense of release and lightness.
There’s no timeline, and there’s no wrong way to grieve.
Can gratitude and grief coexist?
Gratitude and grief can coexist. But if you’re not there yet, that’s okay. There’s no rush.
When you’re ready, gratitude doesn’t have to look like pretending everything is fine. It may be just the deep feeling of missing someone. It might be a memory you get to carry with you, a moment that made you smile, or a tradition that still holds meaning.
Gratitude and grief aren’t opposites. Sometimes they show up together, and that’s okay too.
What gives people hope during this season?
Honestly, hope isn’t always part of the picture after a significant loss, and that’s okay to say out loud. Some aren’t even sure what they’re feeling from one day to the next, and all of that is completely normal. There’s no pressure to feel hopeful.
What’s most important to remember, though, is that you don’t have to go through this alone. Reaching out for support, whether that’s a trusted person in your life or a professional, can make a real difference even when hope feels far away.
🌿A Survival Guide to the Holidays
How can someone honor a loved one during the holidays?
Before anything else, it’s worth taking a moment to check in and ask yourself, “Am I ready for this?” If the answer is “not yet,” that’s completely okay. There’s no timeline you have to follow.
When you do feel ready, there are so many ways to honor someone we’ve lost. You might share a favorite story about them, say their name out loud, flip through photos, or write something meaningful about them or to them.
Maybe it’s keeping up a tradition they loved, creating something new that feels right, or having a small ritual that helps you stay connected to them in your own way.
How do you help clients manage expectations around holiday gatherings?
I try to help clients release expectations around how they think they should feel or act. I encourage them to be patient with themselves, set gentle limits, and give themselves permission to participate and progress in whatever safe way works for them.
I love to remind clients that they get to decide what that looks like.
What advice would you give to someone facing their first holiday after a loss?
The first holiday after a loss looks different for everyone. You may prefer to be surrounded by family and friends, want some quiet moments with one or two people, or want to just get through the day like any other.
There’s no wrong answer. I would encourage each person to notice, then do what feels right for them.
What are some holiday survival strategies you recommend?
Give yourself grace. Set expectations you can actually meet, let yourself feel whatever emotion comes up, and lean on the people who truly get it.
It’s okay to have limits, to say no, and to find moments of peace, whether that looks like honoring old traditions or creating new ones. And when you’re ready, therapy can be a meaningful place to work through all of it.
🌿 Give Yourself Grace This Holiday Season
Grief is complex and can feel different from one day to the next. Whatever you’re navigating, whatever you’re struggling with or experiencing, it is valid and it is natural.
We encourage you to practice grace for yourself this holiday season and navigate it in whatever way feels comforting and natural for you. You don’t have to force joy, gratitude, or hope. And you don’t have to navigate the difficult moments alone.
If you’re looking for ways to approach the holidays after a loss, explore our articles, Why the Holidays Can Feel Hard After Loss, and Creating New Traditions While Honoring What You've Lost.
At Restoration Counseling Services, we’re here with you. If you need support as you move through grief, therapy can offer a space to process what you’re feeling at your own pace.